Much to your surprise (and despite all predictions), the world did not end in 2012. The stupid Mayans were full of it after all, weren’t they? Or was it the Aztecs? Either way, those jungle bunnies were on drugs because that was last year and the world is still intact and going about its business as usual.
Frigid air tugs at your back, but tonight it’s Christmas Eve 2013, so you brush off that cold and enjoy nestling cozily around the crackling fire with your spouse and two kids. All goes well until the kids start getting ornery.
“All I want for Christmas is to go to a real school,” Julie complains.
Johnny joins in. “One where Santa doesn’t leave me presents only if I leave him my homework.”
“Stop whiniing!” Tom grumbles.
“Listen to your father.” You rub a stray piece of leftover dinner from your chin. It tastes like mud and feels like grease on your tongue, but hey, it fills the tummy.
Julie doesn’t listen. “Why do other people eat ham on Christmas and we’re stuck with government issue potted pork?”
Johnny jumps in. “And why don’t we go to a normal school like other kids? I want to be on the baseball team.”
Tom sighs. “Can’t you kids hush up and finish your school work so we can all go to bed and let Santa stop by?”
“Be nice,” you lay a hand on his weathered arm. “The kids are too young to rememeber 2010.”
Tom sets aside the socks he’s been mending, sighs again. “The school in town ran out of money in 2012, so it had to close.”
“Why’d it run out of money?” Julie’s head tilted toward her parents.
“Because,” you whisper. “The money-monster gobbled it all up!”
Julie and Johnny shudder, Johnny’s eyes widen. “Monster?”
Your spouse nods. “The same monster that tromped through town, stomping hard and smashing all those pot holes into Main Street.”
Johnny nods. “Which made it so the trucks with the food won’t come to our stores, right?”
“Yes, son.”
Johnny’s smile broadens. “I was right! See how smart I am?”
Your spouse roughs up Johnny’s hair. “Home schooling isn’t producing any dullards at this house!” He snorts. “Damn those idiots who said our kids needed a library. Who needs a library when you have good sense bred into you?” Tom winks at you, the kids giggle.
“But remember,” you add. “That monster is a force to be reckoned with. It’s the very same monster who stole all the engines from the slow plows so we couldn’t punch through the snow and get to work in the winter.”
Julie gasped. “The monster made you lose your jobs!”
You nod.
Julie’s brow furrows with creases that match her father’s. “Is it the same monster that made us so poor?”
“I’m afraid so,” you answer. “We had to pay for the doctors that made Daddy’s heart come back to life after the monster upset Daddy so much that his heart stopped.”
“But,” Tom said, “we don’t have seven hundred thousand dollars -”
“- Nor do we have Medicaid funding in this state…” you trail off.
“So now Daddy makes those secret trips to the food bank across state lines and steals boxes of whatever is left out.”
“That monster is so mean!” Julie crosses her arms, pouts.
“Can’t we fight the monster?” Johnny asks.
“Oh, never,” your husband says. “I’m afraid we’re stuck with the monster.”
“Why are we stuck with him?” Julie asks.
“Because,” Tom explains. “The monster is dreadful, but the weapon needed to destroy him is even more dreadful.”
Johnny scoffs. “What kind of weapon is more dreadful than a monster?”
You gaze into the distance. “The weapon comes from a land far, far away, and it stays on a hill that overlooks the whole country. It says it’s here to help, but what it really wants is to steal away our freedoms.”
“Oh, no!” the kids cry.
“Yes,” your spouse nods. “And it does really bad things, like sending out people every ten years to spy on us.”
“What do these people find out when they spy?”
“They find out how many people live in a house and how old they are.”
“Why do they do that?”
“They do it so the town gets money. 1400.00 for each person who lives in a town.”
“Why do they do that?”
“For things like schools, money for roads, and health services.”
“So,” Julie says slowly. “The dreadful weapon destorys the monster that is trying to destroy us.”
“Yes,” Tom answers.
Johnny and Julie frown.
“What is it, kids?”
The kids whisper in each others ears for a long while before answering.
“Well,” Julie finally speaks. “It seems like the best way to destroy the monster is to answer the questions of those people who come by every ten years.”
“NO!” Tom demands. “You must never, ever talk to those people. They are mercahnts of evil!”
“Merchants?” Julie asks.
“Who are these merchants of evil that are worse than the monster that keeps us cold all winter and hungry all year?” Johnny wonders. .
“They are - they are,” you gulp, the words burn in your throat.
“They are from the government.”
Johnny and Julie clutch to each other. “The government! Oh, no!”
Dad picks up his rifle, steps away from the living room hearth. Frosty air exhales from his nose like smoke from a dragon. “Yes, kids. The weapon is our own government. And it’s up to no good. Don’t you ever forget that.”
“Never.” Julie crosses her heart and hopes to die.
“We won’t forget it,” Johnny swears.
“Good,” your husband says. “Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to go shoot the Christmas jackrabbit.”
Everybody cheers, because tomorrow there will be more than potted meat at your Christmas table. There will be true, non-government freedom!
The End.
Okay, so this is the kind of thing I produce before my morning coffee kicks in but after I’ve had time to sit long enough to think up something silly. It’s my dorky way of saying, “fill out your Census form and tell all your friends to fill out theirs - or risk a re-visit from the silly story fairy”.